Making The Connection

by Lorina, Moonlit Walks & Other Crap

Great! You've placed an ad, or answered an ad, and got a response (or several) that sound like someone you'd like to get to know. Now what? Here's some tips on getting the ball rolling, and eventually meeting face to face.

In the beginning especially, it's good to include a bit (or all) of the original e-mail when responding to someone. You don't know how many people they are writing, or how busy they are, or even if they are air-headed and forget things from one e-mail to the next. You can even past the original message, and add your own comments in between the lines. It feels more conversational that way.

Just remember to have fun! As with any relationship, if the bullshit outweighs the fun in the 'getting to know you' stage, it's not worth it. If someone doesn't write enough, or writes lame one line responses, it's not worth it. If you're doing all the work, it's not worth it. If you feel like you have to twist someone's arm to get information, it's not worth it.

Watch for inconsistencies, but don't be paranoid. Check out this exchange my sister had with a guy whose paranoia got the better of him. It's one thing to keep an eye out for red flags, it's another to set off several of your own by repeat interrogation.

I don't know how often I can stress this: Don't Fall In Love!

Not until you meet someone, anyway. I have seen so many "success stories" that say, "I have met my soul mate online. We are getting married... as soon as we can meet in person." Uhh... right. Then there's the other side: "I met this person online... we clicked. We seemed perfect. He (or she) told me he (or she) loved me. We were planning on getting married. When we met in person, he (or she) was totally different. Wow... what a mistake I almost made!" And the other side of that: I met this person online... we clicked. We seemed perfect. He (or she) told me he (or she) loved me. We were planning on getting married. When we met in person, he (or she) said I wasn't what he (or she) expected me to be. I'm heartbroken!"

You are not in love with someone after reading words they wrote! I enjoyed reading Drew Carey's book Dirty Jokes and Beer. It made me laugh. It reminded me of things I say. But am I going to say I'm IN LOVE with him? Heck no!

Listen, there's plenty of time to fall in love AFTER you meet in person. Make sure you can at least TOLERATE each other before professing undying love!

How soon should you meet? I think a few weeks to a month is a good time frame. You don't want to wait too long, but you don't want to jump into something either. In a few weeks of steady e-mails and phone calls and picture swapping, you should know someone well enough to meet them face to face. If you wait much longer than that, you're probably going to have a lot of pre-conceived notions and expectations that may be hard to live up to.

Some basic tips... most of which I think I ignored.

Before you meet, come clean on anything you've been less-than-honest about. I'm not talking about any death-bed confessions here, but if you're a bit chubbier than you'd like to be, or your hair is a little thinner than the picture you sent, maybe if you're a little older than you let on, now's a good time to bring it up.

Meet in a public place, and let your friends know where you're going. Better yet, bring some friends alone. And your cell phone.

If you must stay overnight, get a hotel room... your OWN hotel room.

Make definite plans, with a definite time frame. Don't leave things too open ended.

Don't be cruel. If someone isn't what you expected, you don't have to call them names. You can still have a lunch with a good friend, can't you? (This is why you shouldn't get your hopes up too much. If you go into a situation thinking I'm going to meet a new friend, you won't be disappointed if they aren't the love of your life.)

Avoid Taco Bell at least three days before you plan to meet someone. Trust me.

Some other things to avoid - burping, farting, vomiting (especially ON the other person), excessive drinking, tipping cows, committing crimes, and getting abducted by aliens. Not good on a first date.

Most of all, remember that no matter how much you've e-mailed, chatted, and talked on the phone, this IS just a first date. Don't do "stuff" you typically wouldn't do on a first date. Don't think of it as "the rest of our beautiful lives together." People are often different face to face, so it's best to just think of it as meeting a great friend.

What to watch for...

It shouldn't come to a surprise to you that some people lie about things, especially when they meet online. On the internet, you can pretend to be anything you want to be - young, fit, attractive, rich, smart (well, they pretend, but it's harder to fake!). Not that such people don't exist... So, how do you tell the phonies from the Real McCoys?

Unfortunately, there's no real way to tell if someone is feeding you a line of bull. In this way, it's best to have a very offbeat personality and tastes. Someone may lie and say they like moonlit walks & candlelight dinners (isn't that what we're supposed to like?), but not many would lie and say they like less typical things and more specific things, such as Snickerdoodle Cookies and the idea of taking over the world.

So, what are some things to watch for? Some things are easier to spot when you progress to the phone stage, obviously.

Do they refuse to send a picture? "I don't know how" is not a valid reason. Anyone can get a picture put on disc, or have a friend scan a pic or take a picture with a digital camera.

Do they only call at specific times, and don't want you to call? Do they get upset if you do call? Might be married, or at least involved.

Do the background noises on the phone not match their described lifestyle? If they said they don't have kids, and you hear Telletubbies in the background... no good can come of that. Either they're lying about having children -- or they actually LIKE the Teletubbies!

Do they postpone meeting face to face again and again and again? My guess... married or trying to lose weight.

Do they refuse, after a reasonable amount of time, to give out personal information, like last names & phone numbers? Married, or paranoid.

Do their facts and stats not match up with their pictures? Kinda speaks for itself, doesn't it?